How To Put Soulfulness Into Practice

Set aside some "us time" to check-in, celebrate, and share how we're doing

In previous posts I shared what soulfulness is, and why it matters so much right now. In this post I wanted to share how to put the concept of soulfulness into practice, based on our research and discussions with mental health and wellness professionals.

Here’s what we learned:

1. Pick a Time
   While sending a meme or a quick text message shows people you’re thinking of them, picking a time to connect creates more opportunity to share what’s below the surface. In some cases — like at work or time with kids — being intentional about this time can be really helpful. For instance, where I work, we used to set aside an hour-ish every Friday just to connect (we called it our campfire). Work topics weren’t off-limits, but it was clear that we weren’t there to talk shop. A friend of mine picks his kid up from school every Friday and they go for ice cream where the purpose is talk about how he’s feeling, not what he’s doing. Creating the time and finding a place where you’re not distracted sounds obvious, but it carries double duty - it makes it easier to open up, and it reminds the group that it’s important - that it (and each of us) matters.
   
   
2. Make Space
   In my last post I talked about how showing up, curiosity, kindness, and belief are the foundations of soulfulness, so it shouldn’t be surprising that they are key to getting the most out of your time together. If you can make your time together the one place free of judgement and advice, everyone will feel better afterward. Personally, I find the term “safe space” a little overused and awkward, but my friend Rob Poynton often sets the following three rules when gathering people (which I love): Take care of yourself; Take care of each other; Take care of the space.
   
   
3. Checking-In
   “How are you doing” is a phrase that has become so common-place in North America that it rarely works when you really want to know. My friend Guido from Italy laughs when he shares the story about the first time a waitress asked him “how he was doing”. “Wow” he says, “I honestly thought I had just met the friendliest person on the planet! After I heard it four more times the same day I realized she was just saying hello”.
   
   For that reason, we spent a long time selecting alternative ways to ask the same question in our game, How’s The Water?. Two of my favourites:
   
   A. If your mood was the weather, what’s the forecast for today?
   B. If your day had a theme song, what would it be?
   

   
   The actual question doesn’t matter so much, but the intention is to get people to share how they’re feeling right now. I know it sounds simple, but how often do we share this? How often do we even think about it? We’re so busy thinking about the next thing on our to do list, what we’ll make for dinner, how we’ll finish the project, that we don’t always check on how we’re really doing (which affects all those things!). It also isn’t asking “who are you, really?” (which is just another form of judgement). It’s about right here, right now.

4. Celebrating
   If you’ve ever watched a professional sports match, you’ve probably noticed how the players act after a key moment - a goal, a free throw, a strikeout. But just in case you missed it, there are two things that happen:

   A. The players celebrate together, usually by touch. High- (or low-) fives for the striker, scorer, pitcher. Studies show that these micro-celebrations have an extremely positive psychological affect on the whole team. It show that when someone on this team tries or scores, we all celebrate them.

   B. The player who succeeds turns their back to the crowd and faces the team. There was a period when star players would face the fans after a success, for a moment of appreciation, but psychologists learned two things - this could backfire (maybe not all fans are appreciating the goal - or the player); and turning to your teammates makes them part of the celebration. Again, taking the result of an individual accomplishment, and turning it into positive affirmation for the whole team.

   The point is that finding things to celebrate when you make time for each other - no matter how small the victory - gives everyone a positive boost and reaffirms membership, a sense of belonging.

5. Reflection
   If the point of setting time together is to find out how everyone’s doing, then sharing how you’re doing it part of the process. But there’s plenty of ways to share, and they’re not always easy to share (or receive). Here’s a hack we learned from talking to experts that can make it easier. It’s a straightforward process:

   A. What happened. Usually when we have something on our mind or chest, there was an event that caused it. The best way to communicate the event is to try to tell it in objective terms, “just the facts” as the cops used to say on after school specials.
   
   B. How did it make you feel. Now that everyone knows the facts, as you know them, sharing how it makes you feel shows them how you are affected. Did the situation make you sad, angry, glad, embarrassed, irate, saudade? The facts provide context; emotion enables understanding compassion.
   
   C. What does it mean to you (and no one else). Share why the situation makes you feel the way you do. This is about you, after all, not the situation.
   
   This format makes it about “how you’re doing” - not about a topic - which is an invitation for connection. There’s a big difference between “the thing that politician did is rotten and is going to ruin the economy” and “I read the politician took this action. I’m really worried about my job and my kids’ career”. One is about the politician and how you judge them. The other is about you. One is a conversation ender. The other is an opening to connect.

That’s it! That’s what we’ve learned about how to bring soulfulness to your home, work, and gathering places. I know it may sound too formal or formulaic, and the idea is to make enjoyable for everyone, so you do you! The most important thing we learned is that it’s important to check-in and discuss how we’re doing without letting the weather, news, or business update rob you of an opportunity to refill your cups.

Enjoy the journey!